


i’m eggnostic

by olive2read



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Eggnog, F/F, Introspection, Podfic Welcome, Rare Pairings, Snow in Schitt’s Creek!, Twyla & Café Tropical as a Cure for Loneliness, Twyla’s Concoctions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-09-29 22:01:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20443250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/olive2read/pseuds/olive2read
Summary: Alexis has been finding herself spending more and more time in the café, getting to know Twyla. She’s pleased as punch to get an invite to attend a Christmas party together ... at least until she discovers that the punch in question is eggnog.





	i’m eggnostic

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [another_Hero](https://archiveofourown.org/users/another_Hero/pseuds/another_Hero) in the [SCFrozenOver](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/SCFrozenOver) collection. 

> **Prompt**:  
Twyla brings truly terrible eggnog to a Christmas party
> 
> __  
Set in an AU where Alexis & Ted never got back together in s4.
> 
> Thanks to [whetherwoman](https://archiveofourown.org/users/whetherwoman), the super awesome (and patient) beta for this work.

Alexis sat at the counter, looking out at the snow that was somehow _still_ falling, and played with the string on her tea bag. She’d been spending more and more time in the café of late, and not only because the weather wasn’t exactly conducive to jogging. It was lonely in the motel with David always sleeping over at Patrick’s and their parents off in Toronto for two weeks of Christmas shopping and spa treatments, along with anything else her dad could come up with to help take her mom’s mind off the crows thing. For the first couple of days, she’d rattled a bit aimlessly around town. Her business was thriving but didn’t take more than a few hours of her time each day and she could really only sleep for so long. Not for the first time, she wished she was more interested in reading, as David always seemed to enjoy it, but sitting still for so long gave her the fidgets and the words soon started to jump around on the page, getting even bouncier when she tried to force herself to focus.

Spending time with David and Patrick at the store only worked for short periods of time, and only when they didn’t have any customers to attend to. She’d tried chatting with Stevie in the motel office, until the pauses between Stevie’s replies had grown longer and more awkward, and Alexis hadn’t been able to stand it anymore. She’d even gone to the town hall to check in with Ronnie. They’d really clicked during the rehearsal process for Cabaret and Alexis absolutely counted her as a friend now, but town hall meant potentially interacting with Roland and, considering that Ronnie was never particularly interested in visiting, the risk just didn’t outweigh the cost most days.

Which left her the café, and Twyla. Hanging out here was a lot like being in the store with David and Patrick, except there were fewer customers and she could drink all the tea she wanted without snarky comments from David about how rings on his wooden furniture pieces were ‘ruining his aesthetic,’ or whatever. _Twyla_ didn’t care where she put her mug. Twyla wasn’t especially chatty at first but Alexis had felt confident that she could draw her out, and she’d been right. As the days grew shorter, and the weather more fickle, fewer people came in to the café each day, which meant Alexis and Twyla got to spend a lot of time hanging out, just the two of them.

Also, there was just something special about Twyla, something that filled Alexis’s lungs with a fizzy sensation and put a perpetual smile on her face. Alexis didn’t know if it was her consistently cheerful demeanour, her (as yet unsuccessful) attempts to entice Alexis into trying whatever concoction she’d dreamt up for the day, or her adorable familial non-sequiturs that always made Alexis feel better about her own checkered history. Whatever the reasons, Twyla was fast becoming the best antidote to the loneliness that had been settling in more and more comfortably around Alexis’s shoulders.

It was an odd place to find herself. In every other aspect of her life, she was more fulfilled than she’d ever been. She was proud of herself in a way that she’d never known she needed to feel before. She wasn’t even pining after anyone romantically. Well, she wasn’t pining _much_, and it wasn’t really about anyone in particular. She was glad that she and Mutt had come to some sort of friendly-from-afar understanding, and it was nice not to have to see Ted everyday, now that he was off in the Caymans, or Maldives, or whatever tropical island paradise he’d jetted off to. She’d seen Heather around town a few times and they’d done that awkward smile and wave thing, but she didn’t expect they’d be friends anytime soon, even without Ted’s presence to make things awkward.

It wasn’t that she was still in love with Ted. At least, she didn’t think she was. Her mood wasn’t really about _Ted_. It was more about the _idea_ of Ted, and not even Ted, really, just someone _like_ Ted. He’d been the first guy she’d dated with something approximating healthy boundaries and their relationship had helped her identify things she wanted to do differently for herself, and for any potential future relationships. Part of her still wished that she and Ted had been as compatible romantically as they’d been in other areas, that their relationship goals had aligned as well as their, well, _other_ goals, which had sometimes aligned five or six times a night. It tended to be a fleeting sentiment that only stopped by for short visits, though. What she really wanted was someone who could see her, all of her, and not wish that she was someone, or some_thing_, else. There had been a few moments like that with Ted, and certainly more with him than with anyone else she’d dated, but in the end it hadn’t been enough for either of them. If she could find someone like that, and if that person also happened to have great hair, then she’d be content. Well, the hair wasn’t really a requirement, but it would be a bonus.

And, sure, yeah, she’d tried that whole thing about feeling okay with being by herself, alone, and she _was_ getting better at it. She’d come to realise, however, that she thrived on interactions with other people. They recharged her batteries in a way that alone time simply couldn’t. She had shifted her focus, from seeking romantic or sexual attention, to positive friendly attention and that felt like enough personal growth for now. 

She took a sip of her tea and rolled her eyes at herself. She really needed something to do to burn off some of this energy. It wasn’t healthy to be so introspective this early in the day. She looked longingly outside and sighed at the snow piling up. Snow was pretty, absolutely. It made for fantastic photo-ops and was an excellent excuse to wear soft, fluffy clothing like her favourite fur wrap and her ethereal scarves. Not to mention the opportunity to indulge in things like rich cocoa with a shot of peppermint schnapps or, well, more than a shot as there never really seemed to be much cocoa but there was always plenty of schnapps. Anyhow, it wasn’t that she didn’t _like_ snow. She just wished she could go for a run. 

She gave herself a moment to lament that, in her previous life, she hadn’t ever needed warm exercise clothes that could be layered. Not that they would have been top on her priority list for packing as they had been rushed out of their former home, but at least she’d have had some basis on which to buy that sort of thing now. She’d tried to place an order online but there were so many options and none of the ones in her price range seemed suitable, nearly all of them in glaring, violent colours and patterns.

She sighed and had another sip of tea. If only there were someone in town who she could trust for recommendations. She pushed her chair out a bit and turned to survey the current selection of café patrons without finding much inspiration. She watched as Twyla flitted from table to table and remembered in a flash that Twyla sometimes taught yoga. She ran a critical eye up and down Twyla’s form. She had such a lovely shape and Alexis was well pleased with the image that came to mind of Twyla in grey yoga pants and a lavender hoodie. She was more than a little impressed with her powers of recall, considering that she’d been so focused on the unresolved tension with Mutt on that long ago day.

As Twyla came around the counter once more to drop off dishes and orders, Alexis nodded to herself.

“Hey, Twy?”

Twyla looked up, slightly flustered. “Oh, Alexis. Did you need more hot water?”

Alexis smiled. That was such peak Twyla, always taking care of her friends. “No. No, Twy, and thanks. You’re _such_ a good friend.” She paused, trying to figure out the best approach and not wanting to sound too simpery. “Actually, _friend_, I was hoping you might be able to help me out with something.”

Twyla straightened up and put her hands down on the counter, one on top of the other, biting her lip. Alexis looked down and realised that, for someone who spent a lot of time with her hands in, well, best not to think about exactly what substances Twy had her hands in on the regular. _Anyway_, her hands were very pretty, the skin glowed with a subtle sheen that made Alexis’s own hands twitch with the urge to touch. She wondered if Twyla's skin would be as smooth and supple as it seemed.

Just as Twyla replied, “What sort of help did you have in mind?” Alexis reached out a finger and ran it along the edge of Twyla’s hand, from her wrist out to the tip of her little finger. Wow, Twy’s skin was softer than Alexis could’ve imagined. Twyla’s question ended on the tiniest gasp.

“What do you use on your skin, Twy? The geranium and leather cream? It’s so amazing.” Alexis looked up into Twyla’s eyes and felt her heart rate kick up at what she saw there. She blinked and shook her head. She had to have imagined that. When she met Twyla’s gaze again, whatever had been there was gone and she nodded to herself. Being cooped up inside all the time must really be getting to her.

Twyla shrugged and contemplated her hands. “I make my own lotion from jojoba oil, honey,” Alexis nodded fondly, of course she did, “wheat straw, and radishes. It seems to work fairly well.”

“Wheat straw and radishes?” Alexis surreptitiously wiped the finger she’d used to touch Twyla with a napkin.

Twyla nodded, smiling broadly. “Was that the help you mentioned? I could make you a jar of it, if you wanted to try it?”

“Oh! No, I was actually hoping you could help me pick out some winter workout clothes. None of my stuff is really meant to get wet, you know?”

Twyla’s brow furrowed slightly. “But what about when you sweat?”

Alexis laughed delightedly, the joy bubbling up inside her; Twy was so funny sometimes. “Oh, no, I don’t do that.”

Twyla blinked at her. “Oookay. You really want _my_ help with clothes?” Alexis couldn’t think of an appropriate verbal response and so she just nodded encouragingly. “Well, sure, I’d be happy to. What did you have in mind?”

“Well, so, like, where do you buy your yoga pants?”

Twyla shrugged. “I mostly get my stuff at the thrift shop.” Alexis valiantly kept back the _Ew!_ that popped into her head. She really was getting good at this friend thing. “Or as hand-me-downs from my aunt, though most of those have patterns that, well, I usually just turn them into headbands.”

Alexis forced her face into a smile and not the grimace she could feel lurking at the edges. Thrift shops and old aunt pants were _not_ going to work. She thought for a moment. “Or, maybe you could point me to some online places? I tried looking at a few but everything was like neon vomit green and that biohazardous fake cheese orange and–” she stopped there, unable to fully repress a slight shudder. 

Twyla’s expression was puzzled. “Oh. I love Kraft dinner cheese. And I think the bright colours are for safety? It can be hard to see muted colours against a snowy backdrop.” Twyla’s face pulls into a fatalistic sort of wince. “This one time, my cousin Sheila got hit by a car and they ended up having to amputate.”

Alexis felt her jaw drop. “Ohmigod, Twy! While she was running in muted colours?”

Twyla seemed to come back to herself and plastered a bright smile on her face. “What? Oh, no, that side of the family just gets _super_ competitive in capture the flag.”

Alexis waited for Twyla to provide the connection, then realised none would be forthcoming. “Right, well, um, maybe you could just point me to some websites? With clothes that aren’t all lurid colours in harsh patterns?”

“Sure,” Twyla said, “absolutely. Um, I get off a little after nine o’clock tonight?”

Alexis beamed at her. “Awesome, Twy. Just come by the motel, I’ll be up.” She had a flash of inspiration. “Ooh, and maybe bring an overnight bag? David will be at Patrick’s so we can totes make a night of it.” Twyla opened her mouth to reply as Alexis slid off her stool and headed toward the door. “See you tonight, Twy! Looking forward to it!” She waved and slid her sunglasses over her eyes, then headed outside and turned toward the motel to prepare.

* * *

The next morning, Alexis picked her way gingerly through the snow. There didn’t seem to be any consistent method to the plowing and she worried that if it snowed much more, she’d be stuck at the motel with no social outlet. She looked up at the sky and pursed her lips. If she had her way, not only would it never snow in Schitt’s Creek but it would be perennially summer. She hoped the weather wouldn’t delay any of the orders she’d placed the night before.

She went in to the café and claimed what she was coming to think of as ‘her’ stool, giving Twy a smile and a wave. When Twyla came over to take her order, she wriggled in a little happy dance in her chair. 

“Morning, Twy!”

“Good morning, Alexis,” Twyla smiled at her and something about it made it seem like more than her normal, every day smile. 

They’d had so much fun last night, putting on masks, telling wild family stories, sharing three bottles of wine. There had been a fleeting moment where she’d felt _something_, but it had probably just been all of the wine. She was glad that she, at least, hadn’t had to get up early for work. Twy was such a trooper and had left so quietly that she hadn’t even disturbed Alexis. It was so like her to be considerate of Alexis needing her sleep.

She had had a slightly panicked moment this morning, when it had struck her that wine consumption might have impaired her ability to veto potentially poor style choices, but she’d reviewed the orders they’d placed and been pleased with everything. She couldn’t wait for her new clothes to arrive. It was going to be like getting presents, with the added bonus that she’d selected all of them herself so she didn’t have to worry about faking a smile and sneaking glances in the box to find the gift receipt, and, well, ’twas the season so these would feel extra festive.

She pulled her laptop out of her bag, smiling as Twyla set a cup of hot water and a tea bag in front of her. It was so precious that Twyla knew her order now! She always felt so seen with Twyla. She gave another happy wiggle and hummed contentedly. She was loving all the friend-bonding they’d been doing. 

“Aw, thanks, Twy! What’s the wifi password?” She looked up when there wasn’t an immediate reply to find Twyla biting her lip and looking bemused. 

“Oh, Alexis,” Twyla said, with fond exasperation, “the café doesn’t have wifi.”

Alexis shook her head. “Of course it does, Twy, how else did my dad work here?”

“Um, he mostly just drank coffee and accosted people as they came in.” Twyla shrugged, smiling, and wandered off on her rounds. 

Alexis frowned sulkily at her computer. Technically, the project she was working on was already downloaded, and, technically, she had her phone to check email, and, technically, she could turn on a hotspot if she finished and was ready to upload, but it was kind of the principle of the thing. Though, if she was honest, she couldn’t imagine why, after living in Schitt’s Creek for the past few years, she had any expectation of wifi in the café. 

She took a deep breath and exhaled out all of the negative energy, then opened her current project file and got to work.

Two hours later, she closed her laptop with a pleased smile. The project was coming along nicely and she was ready to send it out. The client had asked her to prepare a first draft but she felt certain they’d be sufficiently wowed to accept this as completed work. There weren’t many people in the cafe so she and Twy had been chatting back and forth all morning. She was feeling very proud about the new level of camaraderie they were developing, not to mention that faint but constant undercurrent of something _more_ that she shied away from identifying. She turned her grin on Twyla, who was approaching with a plate of, well, something that didn’t look edible. She set it down on the counter in front of Alexis, presumably so they could chat a bit more before she took it to the poor soul who had ordered it.

“Here,” Twyla said, gesturing at the plate. Alexis raised a perfect eyebrow at her. “I know you’ve been working all morning and all you’ve had is tea, so I figured you needed something to keep your energy up.”

“Oh, I don’t eat … that,” Alexis said, refusing to touch or even look at the plate in front of her.

Twyla laughed. “Oh, c’mon, Alexis, it’s the Snow Day Special!”

Alexis risked a skeptical glance at the plate. It seemed to be a shapeless, and nearly colourless, mass of, well, she refused to call it food. “What’s in a Snow Day Special?”

“It’s a shepherd’s pie!” Twyla replied. When Alexis made no move toward it, she elaborated. “Well, it’s really the leftover meatloaf from yesterday, with some veggies that didn’t have too much freezer burn, topped with some mashed potatoes that George found in the back of the fridge, but it’s really good! People have been raving about it all day.”

Alexis forced a smile as Twyla gazed at her expectantly. She picked up a fork and poked delicately at the pile. When it didn’t so much as wobble, she glanced up at Twyla who was nodding excitedly. Alexis had no desire to put this anywhere near her mouth but she couldn’t think of a good reason not to and she really was trying to make this friendship with Twyla work. She’d never understood why her dad liked the café’s meatloaf but, then, she’d never actually tried it. She pressed the fork lightly into the … pie … and lifted it to her tongue, waiting for her gag reflex to kick in. When nothing happened, she allowed herself to taste and, to her utter amazement, it wasn’t bad. She picked up a slightly larger bite, enough that there was _something_ visible on her fork this time, although she refused to call it pie. It tasted, well, it was kind of delicious, actually. 

“Mmmm, Twy,” Alexis said, feeling her eyes widen with surprise. She shimmied happily on her stool and gave Twyla a wide smile.

Twyla beamed back at her. “I’ll get you another tea,” she said, eyes still twinkling as she turned to grab the hot water pot.

Alexis took a few more bites, and then a few more, expecting that any moment her stomach would reject the shapeless glop, but, somehow, she made it all the way through without any untoward events. 

Twyla came back to check on her and gave her a high five when she saw that Alexis had eaten the entire portion. Alexis wasn’t entirely sure that the shepherd’s pie warranted so much enthusiasm but, as always, Twyla’s sunny mood was infectious in a way that Alexis dearly hoped the pie was not.

“D’you have plans tonight?” Twyla asked her suddenly. Alexis’s eyes widened and she shook her head. “Okay, well, some of my cousins are having a party, if you maybe wanted to come?”

Alexis teasingly slapped her arm. “Twy! Of course, I want to!” She left her hand in place as Twy locked gazes with her. Alexis slid her hand down Twyla’s arm a little ways and felt a slight flare of heat. She hoped it wasn’t the shepherd’s pie.

Twyla bit her lip and took a deep breath. “Great, well, it starts at eight, so …” She trailed off and a flush crept along her cheekbones.

“Should I bring anything?” Alexis asked. She wasn’t sure when her voice had dropped into a lower register, or when her heart rate had sped up, but suddenly her mouth was dry and she felt herself swallowing.

Twyla gave her a small smile. “Oh, no, it’s a Christmas party, so no need to bring anything. I’m making the punch, and so you can help me with that. To carry it in, I mean, not to make it.” Twyla gulped and Alexis felt her lips curl into a smile.

“Sounds great, Twy. I’m looking forward to it. Pick me up at a quarter til?”

Twyla nodded, slowly. “Yeah, okay, great. Wear something sparkly, to–to the party, I mean.” Twyla turned, flustered, and picked up an order from the kitchen, then headed out on her next round through the café.

“Oh, I will, Twy,” Alexis said softly to Twyla’s retreating back, “I will.” She smiled to herself and sipped her tea.

* * *

When Twyla arrived at the motel that evening, Alexis was just putting the finishing touches on her look. Per Twyla’s request she was wearing a sparkly, slinky, cold-shoulder dress that showed her legs off to excellent advantage, heeled black ankle boots with a fur trim, and her favourite – well, at this point her only – fur wrap. She flounced over to Twyla’s car, a long, sort of station wagon sort of SUV thing that had clearly seen better days, and slid into the passenger seat. She gave Twyla her best smile and was rewarded with a dazzler in return. Twyla really had an amazing smile.

Twyla was dressed in a daringly low cut fluffy black sweater dress, silver tights, and she had her hair pulled up into a gorgeous messy chignon. They spent a moment smiling at each other and then Twyla shook herself and started the car.

“You look, just, wow, Alexis,” Twyla said, a bit breathlessly, her eyes on the road in front of her but sneaking little glances now and then at Alexis.

“I know,” Alexis preened. “You too, Twy. We’re definitely going to be the hottest people at this party.”

Twyla’s lips formed a small, secretive smile. “Definitely.”

They drove the rest of the way in companionable silence, sneaking glances at each other and grinning. All too soon, Twyla pulled up at an apartment building. She sent one last smile toward Alexis and then jumped out, extracting a huge punch bowl from the back seat and closing the car door with her hip. Alexis got out slowly, careful not to step in any obvious patches of ice, and followed Twyla up the steps.

The party was in full swing as they entered, Christmas music blaring, fairy lights twinkling, and people dancing and talking and laughing. Twyla made a beeline for the kitchen and Alexis followed in her wake.

There seemed to be a full spread of food and beverages already but a small cheer went up when Twyla set down the punch bowl. People immediately began to crowd around, peppering her with questions, pulling her into hugs, and filling cups with the milky white liquid from the bowl. Alexis stood back and watched it all, a fond smile playing along her lips. For once, she didn’t feel the need to join in and she was getting a vicarious thrill from the adoring attention everyone was giving Twyla.

After a moment, Twyla broke free of her circle of admirers and brought Alexis a cup of what could only be the punch that was so popular. People, cups of punch in hand, started to trickle back into the other room, leaving them alone in the kitchen. Alexis gazed down into the cup, somewhat dismayed by the way the liquid seemed to be separating.

“What is it?” she asked.

Twyla laughed and then blinked at her when she realised Alexis was serious. “It’s eggnog! It’s a Christmas party, silly! What else would it be?”

Alexis tried to smile back at her, but she knew it was a wobbly effort at best. “Oh, um, Twy, I–I don’t really do, um, eggnog. It has, like, egg in the name and I, well, I just can’t.”

Twyla shook her head and leaned in, lifting her face, and Alexis couldn’t help but lower her head in response, so that Twyla’s lips were right next to Alexis’s ear. “Not just in the name, there are eggs in the nog, that’s where the name comes from.” Alexis’s throat heaved slightly at this. Twyla huffed a laugh, her warm breath sending tingles down Alexis’s skin. “C’mon, Alexis. It’s Christmas! Besides,” Alexis squeaked as Twyla’s tongue darted out to lick the shell of her ear, “remember how I was right about the shepherd’s pie?”

Alexis chewed on her lip. Twy had a point. Plus, judging by the fumes wafting up from the cup, there was enough alcohol in this to make it palatable. She took a deep breath and raised the cup to her lips, just as Twyla’s teeth closed over her lobe and tugged, gently. The sensation made her take rather a larger mouthful than she’d intended and her body wasn’t sure what to do with the mixed signals. She felt her gag reflex kick in but then Twyla’s hand was sliding down her back to cup her ass and she swallowed and somehow all of the noxious cocktail stayed on the inside of her body. She felt her eyes water and her nostrils flare, but then Twyla’s lips were on her neck and she didn’t care about the eggnog anymore.

She set her cup down on the nearest surface and turned into Twyla and their lips met and she was kissing Twyla. She hadn’t kissed a girl since college, well, since college the first time, and she’d forgotten how good it could feel. And this wasn’t just some random girl she was drunkenly 'experimenting' with. This was Twyla. Her good friend, Twyla. Twyla who always made time for her. Twyla who seemed to always take care of her before she even realised she needed something. She gasped into Twyla’s mouth, sliding her hands up into Twyla’s lustrous hair. 

After a moment, Twyla pulled back and bit her lip, her eyes hot. “So, Alexis, d’you wanna stay at the party or d’you maybe wanna head back to the motel?” Alexis’s eyes widened and Twyla’s smile turned sheepish. “I wanted to drop off the nog for the party but we don’t have to stay. I feel kind of bad for asking you to dress up, but I just love seeing you in sparkly, pretty things because it’s like your outsides match your insides and,” she tilted her head up and nuzzled her nose against Alexis’s, “you’re so pretty and sparkly on the inside, Alexis.” Her voice had dropped as she said that last bit and she finished in almost a whisper.

Alexis’s smile spread across her whole face as her body lit up from within. That was possibly the _best_ compliment she had _ever_ received. She could feel the sparkle Twyla was talking about glowing inside her and she realised that she always felt brighter and more dazzling around Twyla. She rubbed her cheek against Twyla’s, relishing the soft feel of her skin, and murmured into her ear, “We can definitely get out of here, Twy.”

Twyla turned and kissed her again, then pulled back and grabbed her hand, heading out of the kitchen. She stopped after only three steps. “Oh! Wait, we should take some of the nog to go!”

Alexis shook her head quickly, and perhaps a bit too forcefully. She could feel the single gulp of eggnog churning in her stomach. “No, Twy, let’s leave that for the party.”

“Are you sure?”

“Mmmmm,” Alexis said, leaning in to kiss her again. They dashed out to the car, where Twyla pressed Alexis up against the passenger door, pulled her face down, and kissed her breathless. When they were both shivering from the cold, and not just the delicious sensations of the kiss, Twyla broke away and looked up at her with a smile.

“Happy Christmas, Alexis.”

Alexis tapped Twy’s nose lightly with her finger. This was going to be her best Christmas yet, she could tell, and she couldn’t wait to discover how other holidays, and just _all_ the days, would feel with Twyla. “Happy Christmas, Twy.”

They got in the car and headed back to the motel to warm each other up.


End file.
